9 replies to this topic

[Mr. Roboto]

The first dance at my wedding was to Freedy Johnston's "Bad Reputation." It was a fitting choice for both me and my wife, and it kept to the "no cheesy love song" rule we'd set for our relationship. But the longer we stay married, the more that rule gets broken. I dread what song will be played on our tenth wedding anniversary. Probably something by Peaches & Herb or "Endless Love." There's a place for cheesy love songs. It's right alongside Lifetime movies, high school poetry, and Harlequin novels. All of them take perfectly valid, real emotions and inflate them to such histrionic heights that all the love is replaced with syrupy cliches. And cavities. Subtlety has no place in a cheesy ballad. Every emotion is supersized. Super sincerity, super compassion, super feeling, super togetherness. It's a super-sensitive nightmare living in that musical purgatory called "adult contemporary" or "soft rock." With Valentine's Day approaching, don't succumb to the temptation of these cheesiest love songs ever. They kill romance. Save yourselves, and play Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" if you really want to confess your love. Bryan Adams' "Heaven" Some of the cheesiest ballads come from the cheesiest movies. This one comes from the 1983 film "A Night in Heaven," starring Christopher Atkins and Lesley Ann Warren. The film quickly disappeared into obscurity. I wish the same had happened to the song. Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You" Another soundtrack song, this time from the 1984 film "The Woman in Red." This one hurts, because I love Stevie. How can you not love Stevie? And, yes, it's one of his biggest hits. However, commercial success does not equal quality. Or lack of cheese. And this one cuts some serious cheese. Sorry, Stevie. I share 'cause I care. Lionel Richie's "Hello" Nicole's dad has made a fine living writing sappy ballads, and this one sits at the top of the pile. The only thing worse than the song is the video, which features a lovelorn Richie and the blind art student who makes a sculpture of his head. It's like a cable-access version of "Ghost" meets "The Miracle Worker." There is, however, one performance of this song that I dig. It's Lionel singing it on helium for a German talk show. Extreme's "More Than Words" And it just gets worse. Extreme is one in a long, insipid line of '80s hair bands who got all sensitive by busting out their Washburn acoustics and unbuttoning their shirts. It's a little bit better if you close your eyes and pretend it's some Everly Brothers wannabe bar band. Who am I kidding? Nothing makes it better. Bobby Darin's "If I Were A Carpenter" Old-school cheese that has stood the test of time, this song was written by folk hero Tim Hardin in 1967 and has been covered by everyone from Bobby Darin to Robert Plant. It has cred, because folk artists always seem to have cred (whether they deserve it or not). It's hard to slam someone when he's being all sensitive with an acoustic guitar. Still, the tune is pretty sappy. And a bit sexist. Chicago's "You're The Inspiration" This one is a double threat: a cheesy lyric sung in that she-man vocal that only Peter Cetera can provide. The 1984 hit single began as a song for Kenny Rogers. Dude! Imagine that hell. Kenny Rogers' "Lady" Oh wait, that hell has arrived. While Chicago was stealing Kenny's cheesy song away from him, Kenny was holed up in a studio with songwriter Lionel Richie making his own cheesy song. All right, my chronology is totally off (this song was recorded four years earlier), but it makes for great drama. It's like a "Yacht Rock" episode, a cheesy ballad tug-o-war. In any event, "Lady" is first-rate cheese and set the stage for Richie's solo career. Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" Yes, another sentimental ballad born from a sentimental movie. This one is from the 1988 Disney flick "Beaches," which has all the hallmarks of the genre: two women fighting over the same man, career jealousy, and a terminal disease. Topping it off is the show-stopper ballad with lots of big metaphors ("fly higher than an eagle") and big emotions. It's the gold standard of cheesy love songs. Air Supply's "The One That You Love" These dudes practically invented "soft rock" with a string of '80s hits that took on love from every angle. Air Supply was "Lost in Love," "All Out of Love," "Making Love Out of Nothing at All," and discovering "The Power of Love." They have enough love in their songbook for every first dance forever more. Chris de Burgh's "The Lady in Red" Funny story here: Chris de Burgh performed the song for Princess Diana before her death (that's not the funny part). After the show, Di thanked de Burgh for writing the song about her. Seems Di was known for wearing red, so of course the song would be about her. Oops. The tune was about his wife, Diane. That relationship worked out better than Princess Di's.

[cousin it]

How about misogynistic love songs? I can think of a few.

[freedom78]

How about misogynistic love songs? I can think of a few.

Whadya think this is, a GNR site?

[Macker]

Used to Love Her?

[lynn]

^^ Best love song ever! Anyway, most of those cheesy songs make me want to gag! Of course, this was the one played at my own wedding reception: Chicago's "You're The Inspiration" This one is a double threat: a cheesy lyric sung in that she-man vocal that only Peter Cetera can provide. The 1984 hit single began as a song for Kenny Rogers. Dude! Imagine that hell. What a fuckin' joke!

[lynn]

World Class cheese: Muskrat, muskrat candlelight Doin' the town and doin' it right In the evenin' It's pretty pleasin' Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land And they shimmy And Sammy's so skinny And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed Singin' and jingin' the jango Floatin' like the heavens above It looks like muskrat love Nibbling on bacon, chewin' on cheese Sammy says to Susie "Honey, would you please be my missus?" And she say yes With her kisses And now he's ticklin' her fancy Rubbin' her toes Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes As they wriggle, and Sue starts to giggle And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed Singin' and jingin' the jango Floatin' like the heavens above It looks like muskrat love La da da da da ...

[Timothy]

Tis I Love.

[cousin it]

Used to Love Her?

I was thinking of something like this:


Pat Travers


No kiddin'
I'm ready to fight
I've been lookin' for my baby all night
If I get her in my sight
Boom boom! RIGHT HERE! Out go the lights!

No kiddin'
I'm ready to go
When I find her boy don't you know
If I get her in my sight
Boom boom! WHAT IS IT? Out go the lights!

I thought I treat my baby fair
I just found out she don't want me here
If I get her in my sight
Boom boom! COME ON! Out go the lights!

- solo -

I never felt this mad before
When I just found out she don't want me no more
If I get her in my sight
Boom boom! COME ON! Out go the lights!

No kiddin'
I'm ready to fight
I've been lookin' for my baby all night
If I get her in my sight
Boom boom! ONE MORE! Out go the lights!


or

Motor City Madman


HERE I COME AGAIN NOW BABY
LIKE A DOG IN HEAT
TELL IT'S ME BY THE WAY NOW BABY
I LIKE TO TAP THE STREETS

NOW I'VE BEEN SMOKING FOR SO LONG
YOU KNOW I'M HERE TO STAY
GOT YOU IN A STRANGLEHOLD BABY
YOU BEST GET OUT OF THE WAY

GONNA CRUISE IS A BITCH NOW BABY
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T DO ME 'ROUND
IF YOUR HOUSE GETS IN MY WAY BABY
YOU KNOW I'LL BURN IT DOWN

YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT THAT YOU LEFT ME
YOU PUT ME IN MY PLACE
GOT YOU IN A STRANGLEHOLD NOW BABY
YOU BETTER CROSS YOUR WAY

solo

SOMETIMES YOU WANNA GET HIGHER
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA START LOW
SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY GONNA DIE SOMEDAY
I GOT NEWS YOU NEVER GOT TO GO OLD

COME ON COME ON UP; 4 times
COME ON COME ON BABY
COME ON COME ON UP
COME ON COME ON BABY
COME ON COME ON

GONNA CRUISE IS A BITCH NOW BABY
YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T DO ME 'ROUND
IF YOUR HOUSE GETS IN MY WAY BABY
YOU KNOW I'LL BURN IT DOWN

YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT THAT YOU LEFT ME
YOU PUT ME IN MY PLACE
GOT YOU IN A STRANGLEHOLD NOW BABY
YOU BETTER CROSS YOUR WAY

[Macker]

Fucking Pat Traver's! Opened for Van Halen or Aerosmith once I believe??? I don't remember it was a long time ago.

[cousin it]

I got to meet him years ago before a show.